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Personal Website: http://aperturedsky.net/

Yup yup… Farewell Artificial Philosophy.

I hope the coming year will be better, still.

All things in balance – food, fun, funds, function.

Well, with two exceptions: caffeine and love.

Today was no different, just another Sunday. I took the path down to Plaza, one of the dining halls here I like, for breakfast. I went down the stairs, walked towards the basketball courts and tennis courts, always a little bit surprised of the construction closing off that whole area. I walk towards the small parking lot next to the courts, as that’s really the only convenient way around now, and enter the Natatorium. There are two sets of double doors in and out. The first door is always so light that I fear that it’ll slam open and shatter. The second set of doors is so heavy that I always look pathetic going through it.

I walked out, looking pathetic yet again because of those doors, past the sandlot where a bunch of people were playing volleyball. I’m always wondering what they’re interests are. I’ll probably never see them again, or at the very least recognize them. So chances were that would be the last time I’d see them. And it’s quite a shallow introduction into my life – and at the same time a very shallow end. All I know of them is that they like to play volleyball in the sandlot behind the Natatorium, probably displaced because the other sandlots, which were nicer in my opinion, were destroyed because of the construction.

I walk past them and notice once again it’s autumn. There aren’t many trees from my dorm to the sandlot now – mostly because of the construction uprooting a large majority of them. Past the sandlot the leaves that fall from the trees are crunchy though. And I gain quite a bit of unfounded pleasure in hearing the crunch after stepping on them. Past the little quad and onward to the heart of Revelle, towering buildings all around.

I walk towards the doors, if someone is before me, they usually keep the door open enough and I make a slight quick paced maneuver towards them, just to make sure I don’t keep them waiting too long. And when walking in, I always check if anyone is behind me. Sometimes when I hold the door open for someone, I wonder if they’ll open it too. And if there were a person behind them, if they’d hold it open for the person behind them. If one thousand people were making their way through a door, I wonder if you could find the one jackass who wouldn’t hold the door open for the person behind them. I don’t think you’d find it in one thousand. Or at the very least, they wouldn’t have the intention of being a jackass – they probably wouldn’t take notice that there’s a person behind them.

Anyway, I walk in and make a quick right, getting a cup of coffee and filling it with one-fourth of cappuccino and three-fourths of a random roast. This hides the fact that the cappuccino is way too sweet and the roast is quite terrible. I think I’m addicted to coffee. Sometimes I make this journey to Plaza specifically for the coffee and rarely get any food. Man, I’m addicted… Which brings to light the question of whether or not having an addiction to coffee is like being in love. Coffee keeps you warm, has you feeling giddy after a kiss, and makes your heart beat faster. It’s like a cliched romance.

I prepare my coffee and walk towards the serving area. I ask for two helpings of eggs and french toast. They do something with the eggs to allow them to become fluffy – from what I heard from a friend last year they mix the eggs with milk and almost pan fry them so that they’re light and large. Anyway, I really like these eggs. They’re not fancy or particularly tasty – but they have a consistency I like. The very definition of “nomnom” if there were one, I would think. I take my plate and walk towards the cashier, giving them my card and never really paying attention to the amount I’m being charged. This is probably why I’m always so short on dining dollars by the end  (and why I should start paying attention).

I walk towards the back of the dining hall, sitting always at the same place. I walk up some stairs, not too high, and sit down. From this location, a slight prop of my head upwards would give full view of most of the dining hall. I like Plaza because when I’m in this location, I can see everyone. And one thing I’ve noticed is – and it seems exclusive to this dining hall in particular – a lot of people are eating alone. Most everyone is eating alone.

I dash an absurd amount of black pepper on my eggs, a pinch of salt and eat alone, but happily.

I ask myself, would you remember the way that I said it? The towers in pitch, softness in voice, my eyes looking to yours – as if ready to kiss you at any moment.

Because I ask myself if I remember the way you say it, or the smell of your hair in the summer wind… And no, I don’t, actually. I can’t remember. It’s beyond me.

It’s been much too long. And I want you here with me.

Later today there is a career/internship fair, not any different from the fairs from the year before, yet in importance it has gone up tenfold. These fairs are instrumental in Computer Science because it allows us to obtain internships (much more important than a normal job) where we will learn the field that we’re getting into. I am in constant struggle, comprehending what and who and which employers I should stake out as important.

I am worried about what I will say and wear, what they will ask and see, and who, if any, will see any significance in me. I am in between the lines, roughly, struggling for a way to make myself known in a world where it seems my individuality is suspect to the tides of chance and luck.

I want to go to grad school. I want my life to be more meaningful than a degree, but I want to do research too – research in something that’s important to me. There are a lot of loops to getting there. Good grades, fantastic GRE scores, internships, jobs, experience, personality. My sense of self-doubt is preventing me from seeing it as possible.

But in a while, I will dress nicely. I will smile widely. I will be personable.

I will show them the confidence I dare not fake.

I will be who I am and tell them of who I want to be.

And finally, I will hope the big hopes and dream the big dreams because without them I am nothing.

These are the things that I want:

• Canon EOS Digital Rebel XSi
• New Computer
  • AMD Phenom II X4 965
  • GIGABYTE GA-MA785GMT-UD2H
  • SAPPHIRE 100245HDMI Radeon HD 4850 512mb 256-bit
  • Crucial 4GB DDR3 SDRAM DDR3 1333
  • ASUS VW224U Black 22″
• The Bag of Holding
• Pacsun Rubbish Peacoat

I’m not sure I’d be willing to commit so much money any of those, though. I mean, yeah, they’d be nice to have, but they’re not substantial enough, or mean enough to me, to make it a worthwhile purchase.

I walked down to Scripps today. It took me about 20 minutes to go down, thirty minutes to go back up. The journey to Scripps was very enjoyable, not tiring at the least. However, the adventure that was the return trip could have been better. Thirty minutes of pure steep uphill walking is rather tiring… Good exercise though, right?

Foodwise, they’re not kidding when they say the people you are around decide your food intake. All the people I live with seem to somehow function with very little food throughout the day. And in tangent, I suppose I’m picking up those habits. It’s getting a lot easier to make me full.

My classes are going smoothly as of right now, and for that I am very thankful. I think this quarter will be a rather enjoyable one. I don’t feel rushed or distracted as much. I guess that’s what it is.

Most things in my life are going pretty well. I suppose I’m content with that. Too tired to type more… Sleep.

I’m dissatisfied and unhappy with this.

Tell me not to worry.

But either way, it’s not like that will stop us from dying.

The days are dropping into a sea of time. I can’t really see where they’re going. But I have a sneaking suspicion they’re going nowhere.

The sun rises and sets. The hue amber on both accounts. Days of melancholy happiness tread across the city, and the stars above are seen with restless eyes. There is a dullness in the reflection. The cosmos never did compare.

Stagnation abounds and time unfolds. One cup of coffee, two bottles of water. Spam filled sushi, avocado and rice – masubi. The ants at Bonaire Park are covered with thirteen cards, flying downward upon words of excitation and victory. There isn’t much in the events, but they mean a lot, moreso than most things.

Is it wrong to curse the fates for the cards that they dealt us? I don’t think so. I look back to that early morning, inviting you to go to that sunrise was probably the most spontaneous question I’ve ever asked in my life. I wonder the wisdom of going. It wasn’t very wise, no. But I think it an event I wouldn’t have missed for the universe.

I count the days.

And in between I want to go away. I want to go so far as to escape the sound of phone calls, errands, trains passing by, the artificial light and the people. And I want to take you with me.

Life continues on. Tomorrow is another day. And there are fifteen more. It’s not enough.